Five Ways to Cope With Loss

Our lives are filled with all kinds of loss. Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is one kind. Divorce and loss of a parent are two more. Losing a keepsake or heirloom can tear at your heart. Losing a battle can rip away your sense of safety and security.

In TALENT, Sandee loses a role in her high school’s production of Oklahoma!, but she gains two important jobs for the show. A few weeks in to the rehearsal period, she has a much bigger loss. She finds several tools for coping. She also discovers talents she never knew she had. She took them for granted, until someone pointed them out.

Other characters have losses too. Nicole lost her license before the story started. Diego loses his immaturity. Rob loses – oops! That’s a spoiler. He loses his cool, and much more. Everybody has losses throughout life. How they cope helps define who they are.

Hear are some tools you can use to cope with loss. Try them. Then hone them to meet your needs.

1. Write

When the loss is fresh and raw, when trying to speak brings tears to your eyes, when you don’t know what you think, try writing instead of talking. Write about whoever or whatever you have lost. Write about the moment it happened or the moment you discovered it. Write about the pain. Start anywhere. Start on a totally different subject if you want to. You’ll get to the topic you need to write about soon enough.

2. Talk

Find a trusted friend to confide in. Explain why a lost relationship mattered so much. Explain why you’re devastated over a missing ring or necklace. Talk to any good listener whom you trust. Ask for confidentiality if you need it. Talk about the loss, but also talk about how you plan to go on. Talk about what it will be like to do upcoming activities without your friend or partner. Talking about problems leads to solutions.

3. Memorialize

On February 7, we lost a 74-year-old woman whose children had been stolen from her 41 years earlier. I helped her find those adult children with the help of Troy the Locator and Dr. Phil. Knowing that, you will understand that she was very special to me. I keep thinking about how sick her cancer made her and where she is now. While we are waiting for her memorial service, I can remember her is by looking at photos I took at Paramount Studios where the Dr. Phil Show is taped. Those are great but in my favorite one she is holding our terrier, Eddie, who is licking her face with great joy. Sometimes I think about how she would want the people she left behind to feel and what she would want us to do.

4. Think about what the other person would want

This is advice that Sandee’s friend Tessa gives her in TALENT. Tessa suggests that she make a list of what the person she has lost would want. The last two things on Sandee’s list are “Don’t forget him” and “Have fun!!” In other words, if you lose someone, keep that person in your heart but move forward.  

5. Acknowledge the pain instead of stuffing it

As days and weeks go past, your pain may continue. Acknowledge it. Keep writing. Keep talking. Keep imagining what the other person would want you to do while you are still here. If you stuff your pain, you’ll either become depressed or explosive. There are better choices.

Whether your loss is temporary or permanent, let yourself grow as you work towards acceptance. Accept the process of loss, grief, and moving forward. You will find light, peace, and hope again. It’s out there waiting to embrace you when you embrace it.

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